


The Scenic Route (or, The Crazy Diamond-centric Ishimondo fic that nobody asked for)

by Randomprojects



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Diaogue only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 08:16:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2725358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randomprojects/pseuds/Randomprojects
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which two teenaged delinquents discuss girls, get poked by branches in unfortunate places, solve a mystery, and maybe even tear up a little – but only a little, okay?!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Scenic Route (or, The Crazy Diamond-centric Ishimondo fic that nobody asked for)

“Welcome back, Aniki!”

“Yo boss – ooh, kickass scarf! Red fer hot blooded, eh – woah wait! This _handmade_? Who’s the gal?”

“Ryuu, shut up ‘bout the goddamn scarf, there ain’t no girl. Tetsu, any shit we gotta take care ‘f?”

“Everything looks fine, Aniki – most of the Firecrackers cleared their punk asses out since the showdown! Nothing outta the ordinary… Oh! Aniki, you remember Azusa from the Aquamarines?”

“Oh the smokin’ hot one, right, Tecchan? With the goddamn amazing legs an’ gorgeous tan?”

“Quiet Ryuu, lemme finish! So –”

“Yeesh, somethin’ crawled up yer ass an’ died there this morning, Tecchan? I’m just, y’know, appreciatin’ a real beaut here – ”

“Yes well there’s a time ‘n place for y’r appreciation! Th’s is a BROTHERHOOD, alright? Real men treat ladies with dignity ‘n courtesy!”

“Pfft like you weren’t thinkin’ ‘bout her too, since Ayumi –”

“Ryuu, shut your trap. Get on with it, Tetsu!”

“Sorry boss.”

“Thousand apologies, Aniki. In any case, we ran into each other – ‘s ok, not literally! – ‘round the neighborhood… ‘n she was asking about you!”

“Woohoo! You go, boss!”

“Aniki, she really knows her way ‘round a bike! We had an impromptu drag race ‘ncourse I won, but she’s right behind me! Y’reckon number 11 could be the right one?”

“Nah boys, ain’t interested in that chick as anything but an ally.”

“But boss, that what ya said about Risa an’ Yuuko!”

“And that’s the truth! ‘Sides, like I told you before, I ain’t got time for that right now – Hope’s Peak’s fucking _nuts_ , but there’s no way in hell I’m gonna give up!”

“Shit, boss, seriously? School?”

“Hey hey hey, you callin’ me a quitter? I’m the leader of the _best gang in the whole damn county_ , I don’t quit! A real man keeps goin’ even when things get tough!”

“Aniki! Y-you really are a man among men!”

“Aww boss, yer just… too cool…”

“Quit it with the waterworks, you two… Fuckin’ hell…”

“S-sorry Aniki.”

“We’re just tellin’ it like it is, boss, ‘cuz yer the best. Still… not givin’ up doesn’t mean ya can’t have fun, yeah? ‘Sides, ain’t dating Azu-chan the best way to a solid allyship with the Aquamarines? I mean, ya said she looked good last time the gangs got t’gether!”

“And now I’m sayin’ no! You got a problem with it, HUH?!”

“Eep! Not at all, boss!”

“Course not, Aniki! Though…”

“What!”

“Just wondering… do you maybe… already have someone in mind?”

“Yeah, that scarf’s gotta come from somewhere… a chick from yer fancy school? Ya datin’?”

“NO! AIN’T DATING NOBODY RIGHT NOW!”

“Uh boss? Yer awfully red…”

“Aniki… don’t tell me… st-strike out number 11?”

“HELL NO! I just, I still havta tell the kid, is all! It’s – SHIT!”

“Aniki?”

“I’M GOIN’ FOR A RIDE! DON’T FOLLOW ME!”

“’Course, Aniki.”

“See ya, boss…”

“…”

“…”

“Hey, Tecchan…”

“What?”

“That was… kinda weird.”

“Y’know how Aniki is… Probably why he‘s holding out on confessing just yet.”

“Well yeah, but boss said ‘that kid’… didn’t he? And doesn’t he only use ‘kid’ fer, well, fer dudes?”

“… Y’r right!”

“A guy, huh… what kinda guy knows how t’ make scarves? Pro’lly pretty girly...”

“Ichiro did most ‘f the stuff on his coat – y’r not calling _him_ girly, are you?”

“Ichi’s _different_ , he’s a frickin’ war machine. Still… kinda wanna know what boss’s guy looks like now.”

“I wonder if Aniki’d ever bring his sweetheart ‘round…”

“Aww shit don’t tell me it’s that lame-ass wannabe!”

“Oh _fuck_ no! …I mean, I ain’t questioning Aniki’s choices, but I’m sure he has better taste th’n _that_. Kid almost pissed himself last time!”

“Heh yeah. Yeah, yer right. Still, that’s the only kid he brought around...”

“Imean, we still dunno if Aniki’s man ‘s a _man_ …”

“Come off it, Tecchan, ya know boss doesn’t call chicks ‘kid’! He ain’t done it ever!”

“True, but maybe y’heard wrong.”

“ _Bull_ shit, ya heard it too –”

“Evenin’ boys… ev’rything ‘lright?”

“Masa, sir!”

“… Hey Masa-nii, ya joined up pretty early on, yeah?”

“Yup.”

“So yer pretty tight with the boss an’ the boss ‘fore him, yeah?”

“Right, I guess. So?”

“Ya see, we’re talkin’ with the boss just now, an’ –”

“– We wanna know what Aniki’s strikeouts were, uh, like?”

“We know about Izu-chan an’ Mari an’ Amarin, ‘course, but we wanna know if there were any du–”

“Ryuu!”

“… What’s this ‘bout, kids?”

“We _-ell_ , haha, Masa-nii, I’d tell ya but boss might skin me alive, soo...”

“Fine. Looks like I’m gonna ‘ave to ask Mondo ‘imself.”

“WAIT! Masa-nii, I’m just kidding! Ahahaha... Just promise ya won’t spill?”

“’s long ‘s it ain’t gonna hurt him or the gang.”

“It’s not – I swear it’s not anythin’ like that! Man’s promise!”

“Well… ‘lright. Man’s promise.”

“OK! So Tecchan’s tryin’ t’ hook boss up with that hot Aquamarines chick, right, an’ –”

“Well there’s your problem – Mondo goes for the cute ‘uns; don’t gemme wrong, Azusa’s a real knockout, but she’s too much o’ a bombshell, if y’ get my drift.”

“What? How can ya be _too much of a_ – never mind. So, cute. Gotcha. Anything else? Stuff like, bein’ real flat-chested?”

“ _Ryuu!_ ”

“I dunno… shorter than ‘im?”

“Pfft, no shit Masa-nii! They’d havta be frickin’ _huge_ t’ be taller than the boss! What _else_?”

“Aww stop sassin’ me, you lil’ shit. Lessee… Polite, clean-cut, like they ain’t part of the lifestyle? Must be some kinda op’site attracts thing, never got the ‘peal myself. Why’re you so interested ‘nyway?”

“Uh, just wonderin’ why boss keeps on rejectin’ the gals we suggest…”

“Look kiddo, sometimes th’ guy needs space, ‘kay? No ‘un likes a busybody.”

“… Yes sir.”

“Fiiine, Masa-nii. Whatever you say…”

\---

“So why’re we hiding outside Aniki’s fancy school again? In the middle ‘f the day, no less.”

“Tecchan, c’mon! Ain’tcha the Iron Tiger? Where’s yer sense of adventure an’ shit? Think of us as the recon team, ‘cuz we care about the boss! ‘Sides, ya said ya wanted t’ know what the mystery man looked like too!”

“Well yes, but I don’t like th’s tailing Aniki biz… We’re MEN! We coulda just asked straight out –”

“Pfft sick pun, dude!”

“Thanks, I – wait that’s not the point! Ryuu, we don’t even know if Aniki’s gonna be leaving the school t’day!”

“Well yeah, but – Shhh! Speak of the devil! Boss’s comin’ this way!”

“Wha –”

“Shut yer trap an’ hide!”

“Alright, okay – ow fuck that goddamn branch…”

“Quit whinin’ ya big baby. Look! Those two kids next t’ boss – It’s gotta be the shortie! Wow… I can kinda see why the boss fell fer him.”

“Wait… we sure that kid isn’t actually a girl after all…? I mean he’s so… petite ‘n fluffy ‘n he’s wearing a skirt….”

“Naw, man! That kid’s a dude – flat as a board, no curves at all, I looked real hard at – ow! The fuck’s yer problem?!”

“That’s no way to treat a lady, staring at her – their chest! Crazy Diamond runs on men’s honor, ‘n real men respect ladies! ‘N dudes!”

“Yeah, my bad… I guess.”

“Shush!”

“Yeesh get that stick outta yer ass, Tecchan. Anyways… Aww geez look at that, they’re laughin’ together! God damn this is frickin’ adorable! Dammit, I wish I had a gal to do all this couply-shit with!”

“That’s ‘cause y’have no respect, man.”

“Whatever dude, it’s not like ya kept yer gal… What happened t’ Ayumi-chan anyways?”

“She needs t’ focus on whipping the new girls into shape, okay?”

“Pfft yeah right, I’m sensin’ there’s a story here… Haha, let me guess – it’s the yoyos, right? Ya tellin’ me the Iron Tiger can’t handle a few yoyos? Ahahaha!”

“First, those yoyos are instruments ‘f _death_ , and also it’s _none ‘f y’r damn business_ so – crap, we better move if we wanna keep Aniki in our sight!”

“Uh bro, yer deflection skills ain’t so great –”

“No I’m serious, look!”

“Pfft yeah right – shit! Where’d they go?”

“Over – over there? I think?”

“Yeah, that’s them alright! Phew, we almost lost ‘em… OK, no more getting’ sidetracked, but ya still owe me that story about Ayumi!”

“How about no, asshole?”

“Shhh, not gonna lose focus again! So far still talkin’ an’ walkin’ together, lah-dee-dah… oh man he’s rufflin’ the kid’s hair! Aww fuck this is too much, my heart’s gonna explode! Look at their faces, Tecchan! Boss and that sweet kid and – wow that other kid looks like a total stiff. What the fuck is he doin’ here anyways?”

“Well they left school together ‘n all…”

“But the anal-looking asshole is ruining everything! Why isn’t boss tellin’ him t’ fuck off? Fuck. That guy can’t read the goddamn atmosphere, can he? If he had any sense at all he’d leave boss with the cute lil’ guy alone, yeesh! What a pain in the ass!”

“We’re not even sure if the petite kid’s Aniki’s sweetheart…”

“C’mon, Tecchan, use yer noggin a little, alright? Cute, check; polite an’ clean-cut, check; short, check! That lil’ dude fits to a T! ‘Sides, look at how boss’s actin’ t’wards the kid! Hands ‘round his shoulders all the time, playin’ with his hair… I mean, why else would boss be touchin’ him so much, right?”

“I guess… they do look good together.”

“Right? Still, how long d’ya think the third wheel’s gonna tag along?”

“Who knows… there’s a fork in the road if they keep heading in that direction. Maybe then.”

“Aww yeah, can’t wait!”

\---

“Dude. Where the hell’s that fork in the road?”

“It’s only been three minutes. Patience, Ryuu.”

“Yeah well there’s only so much I can take, it’s – it’s there! Yes! Frickin’ finally! Time t’ ditch this loser! Wait – wait a sec why’s the lil’ guy wavin’ t’ boss an’ goin’ that way alone? Why’s boss _wavin’ back_ an’ leavin’ with the stiff? What’s goin’ ON?”

“Aniki, what’re y’doing?”

“Boss, now’s not the time fer goodbyes! Go after that sweet kid! What the hell?!”

“No wonder you still haven’t confessed yet, Aniki…”

“Oh c’mon boss it ain’t too late to ditch this dumb-lookin’ dweeb and go after yer one true love! Ya can do it boss!”

“Do the thing Aniki! Follow y’r dreams – oof! Dude what’s y’problem? Move!”

“Shhhh! They’re stoppin’!”

“At the park? Why? Nobody’s here at this hour.”

“Hell if I know! Duck under that bush, or somethin’! Hurry the fuck up!”

“… Actually, why’re we still following Aniki? We got a glimpse of the mystery man, didn’t we?”

“Shhhh you want the boss t’ see us!?”

“No, but – ”

“Then shut up an’ stay in there!”

“This ‘s fucking idiotic.”

“Shhhh! Boss’s gonna ream him out any second! I wanna hear!” ( _“… have errands to run, kyoudai, what’re we doing in the park?”_ )

“Wait, ‘kyoudai’?”

“Wow this kid even _sounds_ like a stiff!”( _“Never mind that, alright? Anyway, there’s somethin’ I’ve been meaning to tell ya…”_ _“You look flushed, kyoudai. The weather is, as they say, ‘acting up’ lately, so remember to wear enough clothes! Make use of your scarf! It’s imperative that you keep your body in peak condition for optimal studying!”_ _“Yes okay shut up! Anyway! I was thinkin’ that maybe you could, uh, it’d be great if um – ARRRGH!”_ )

“Yeah, you go boss, tear him a new one!”

“… Huh. Ryuu – ” ( _“Articulation, kyoudai! Conversation is a skill! Please use the appropriate words to convey what you mean! Besides –”_ _“I’M TRYIN’ KYOUDAI –”_ )

“Pfft! …woah, stop lookin’ like someone ran over yer goldfish, Tecchan!”

“I can’t believe Aniki never brought a fellow bro ‘round the turf… ‘specially someone so important…”

“Hah? Important? Listen t’ this guy, man, ya think he wants t’ hang out fer fun? ( _“Kyoudai, please stop interrupting.” “ YOU STOP INTERRUPTIN’! I’VE BEEN THINKIN’ REAL HARD ABOUT THIS F’R THE LAST FEW DAYS OKAY?! I GOTTA GET IT OFF MY CHEST!” “Oh, I see! Something is bothering you! Ha ha ha, I’m so glad you’re confiding in me! How can I help?”_) I mean c’m _on_ , who the fuck actually laughs like that?”

“Ryuu, show some respect! A friend of Aniki’s a friend ‘f ours, ‘n it sounds like –”

“Ya sure they’re friends? Well, I guess that’s why boss didn’t beat this guy to a pulp yet, huh. ( _“Well, uh, about that. Y’know you’re kinda a pain in the ass and all – ”)_ Yesss the show’s gettin’ good! ( _“– wait no I MEAN – WHATEVER YEAH OKAY YOU’RE A PAIN IN THE ASS BUT! YOU’RE MY PAIN IN THE ASS!”_) Uhhhh _what_?”

( _“AND THAT WASN’T IN THE GODDAMN SPEECH BUT T’ HELL WITH IT! GO OUT WITH ME!”_ )

“Se’rsly, what the fuck just happened?”

“I’m pretty sure a confession happened, Ryuu.”

( _“… DAMMIT JUST SAY SOMETHIN’ WOULD’JA, I– wha– mmmph!”_ )

“Well that… that’s one hell ‘f a kiss.”

“Dude. A couple’s first kiss supposed t’be, like, private an’ shit. Aren’t ya the one goin’ on an’ on about respect?”

“It’s just kissing. ‘Sides, I thought he was gonna hit Aniki or something, they way he grabbed his coat ‘n all.”

“Pfft whatever, peepin’ tom. Man, Masa-nii sure got us good, with his talk about boss ‘goin’ fer the cute ones’… Uh, they still swappin’ spit?”

“No, just stopped. Y’can stop covering y’r eyes.” ( _“Hey, I ain’t complainin’, but… the hell was that?” “That’s a kiss, kyoudai – but more importantly, it is a yes to your request! I’d have thought that was obvious!” “Y-yeah, I guess it was. Heh. Y’know, I – Holy shit, kyoudai!”_ )

“Welp in any case I guess the mystery’s solved – wait, is the kid bawlin’?!”

“I’ve never seen someone cry like this before… Not even the bastard I kneecapped last month…”

“What _is_ he, Super High School Level Intense Tears? Yeesh…”

( _“I’m sorry! I just need a moment to, to collect myself!” “Ain’t no sorry, just. Take the damn tissue already. Geez.” “Thank – thank you, kyoudai… I’m feeling rather overwhelmed with elation at the moment! You even wrote a speech, kyoudai!”)_

“Hah? He’s cryin’ over _that_?”

 _(“Yeah well… Fat lot of good it did.” “Please don’t say that! You worked hard, I’m sure! Effort is never worthless! If there’s a copy, I would be honored to read it!” “… Tch, you sure ‘bout that? It’s just a stupid buncha crap. Spellin’ mistakes all over the place an’ shit.” “Nonsense! It’s your honest feelings from the depths of your heart! To dismiss your thoughts is to dismiss you as a person, kyoudai! Therefore!” “… What?” “It is not stupid because you, Oowada Mondo, are not stupid!”_)

“Wow… Th-that’s… Wow.”

“Aniki’s sweetheart’s a real man, just like Aniki! As expected ‘f someone Aniki chose!”

( _“You lil’ – get over here.” “K-kyoudai! Please stop – ha ha – please stop mussing up my hair! We’re still in the middle of running an errand on the behalf of Kuwata-kun! After all, it’s so rare for him to go to practice willingly!” “Tch, whatever… Let’s get goin’.” “Yes! Full steam ahead, kyoudai! We have to make up for lost time!”_ )

“Oh geez, they’re holdin’ hands?”

“Looks like it.”

“… Yeah, OK, that might’ve given me the warm fuzzies. Just a lil’.”

“Y’r still cryin’ from the speech, Ryuu.”

“Shut up! It’s from second-hand ‘barrassment, ya hear? Second-hand ‘barrassment! I mean – geez, who even _says_ that kinda sappy crap out loud?”

“I do!”

“… Ya don’t havta sound so damn proud of it, ya know…”

 

 **Extra:**  
“Yo, it’s brother-in-law! Wassup?”

“I’m afraid you’re mistaken, Ryuujirou-kun! I wasn’t aware you had a sibling, so I couldn’t have married them! Besides, infidelity is not moral! I would never engage in such behavior! Do you doubt the sincerity of my feelings towards kyoudai?”

“Oh fuck I’m sorry please stop yellin’ ‘fore boss hears an’ give me hell, it uh, ahaha, it was a joke, ya know, ‘course I know ya an’ the boss‘re tight – um, why’re ya grinnin’ like that…?”

“Ha ha! Don’t fret, Ryuujirou-kun, of course you weren’t! I was trying to pull off what Naegi-kun would call a ‘practical joke’, and judging by your expression I dare say I’ve succeeded! I think. D-did I? It’s still all very new to me… I apologize if I’ve wasted both of our time! In fact, please forget about it! Forget, forget, forget BEAM!”

“No, no it’s, uh, it’s OK. I mean ya only nearly scared me half t’ death… Keep… keep practicin’ an’ I’m sure yer gonna, uh, do great at pranks! If that’s what ya wanna do.”

“You’re right! While succeeding at practical jokes isn’t my goal, nonetheless I must work hard to improve! Thank you, Ryuujirou-kun, for your encouraging words!”

“N-no prob, dude! I’m just, uh, gonna tell boss yer here.”

“That would be much appreciated! Thank you again, Ryuujirou-kun!”

“Wow dude, ’s OK, ya don’t havta bow! Look I’ll just get the boss for ya, so sit tight, ya hear? … … Yo, Boss? Ya here? … Boss? Nope, I guess ya ain’t here either huh. Hey b– Oof!”

“Oi, watch where you’re goin’, Ryuu.”

“Sorry, Masa-nii! Say… ya know where the boss at?”

“‘Round the corn’r down that ‘allway last I saw, why?”

“Got a vis’ter is all, thanks! An’ y’know, Masa-nii, yer right…”

“’Bout what, kiddo?”

“Boss _does_ go fer the cute ones… if by cute ya mean huge frickin’ sappy dorks.”


End file.
